Narcissistic Family Roles Part II: The Case of Blended Families

Narcissistic Family Roles Part II: The Case of Blended Families


hi everyone its dr. Romani some of you may have seen the video I made if you need to know about narcissistic family roles this is narcissistic family roles part two with a focus on blended families again as always thank you for tuning in please subscribe to keep getting this and again if you haven’t seen the original video you can go back and look at our list and look for narcissistic family roles and you can watch the first one when we talk about narcissistic family roles we talk about specific roles a person may take in a family the scapegoat the golden child the invisible child but somebody very wisely pointed out to me someone I was talking to he highlighted the issue he’s like there’s something interesting here because he’s like I completely agree with everything you said blatant where it gets tricky is it parents divorce and then that child has to live in two different family systems in this particular case the parents divorced both parents are remarried and he said what was interesting was in one family system he was the golden child and in the other family system he was the scapegoat and that might be something that some of you might be resonating to in fact when you saw the original video you might have said hmm I actually had my parents did divorce and when I lived with my one narcissistic parent I had this role I’m going to leave with one narcissistic parent I had that role or after your parents split up it might have been that you had a healthy parents and then our Cystic parent and with a healthy parent you’ve got to actually take on a healthy balanced role and not with the narcissistic parent you still stayed in your original role this can be really destabilizing for a child because can you imagine that going back and forth between the role of golden child scapegoat golden child scapegoat neither of those roles are healthy for a child to be in but then if you have to keep going back and forth between the two it would be so unsettling when parents divorced when you have one narcissistic parent and those parents divorce odds are you are to keep the role you had with that parent so if you were the sort of a scapegoat with them you may stay with that this person also pointed out an even more interesting twist in this particular case I believe it was for the father he was the golden child for the mother he was a scapegoat upon a upon the father remarrying he became the scapegoat for the stepmother and remains the golden child for the father now you’re adding confusion on top of confusion the point in instead of sharing this kind of a video is these roles scapegoats golden child invisible child and you know whether or not you were the victim of things like family mobbing and people really kind of coming at you all at once these are things that shape you into adulthood and it can be a lot more clear and linear for a person who’s a golden child and we’ve already laid out what can happen you through the golden child and what that does in terms of the stuff about what the person may become grandiose and narcissistic themselves but they also may experience survivor guilt and anxiety for the scapegoat who often feels like they’re not good enough and the other thing to remember is for that golden child they often have impostor syndrome what if I get found out but when a child has to hold multiple of these roles then they’re taking in even more anxiety even more issues around what exactly is my identity even more issues of anxiety around around intra familial relationships these roles are roles that are given to a child they don’t ask for them a child always tries to please his or her parent and when a child please as a parent and their value for that you can easily see how that golden child dynamic can unfold but if a child tries equally hard to win that parent over and they’re still dismissed under the scapegoat dynamic that’s a real feeling of helplessness that can dog that child into adulthood these children didn’t ask for these roles children are really easy in most cases all they really want is to be loved heard nected to feel safe and be understood that’s all any child is asking for in a narcissistic family system they do not get those things consistently remember that in the narcissistic family system you can have one healthy patient and when parents divorce in that system the healthy parent can actually create a really nice healthy balanced space for that child but if that child has to keep flipping back and forth but you may be going back to the other parent being the golden child or the scapegoat or even both in that new family being a scapegoat for a staff parent being a golden child for their original parent and then going back to a healthy system this is really confusing and destabilizing for a kid some of you may have survived something like this where you have multiple roles of golden child scapegoat invisible child all within one complicated family system always to remember that those childhood roles are not things you selected they were placed upon you by narcissistic parents who just weren’t up to the job of parenting those roles do not define you you are not invisible you are no one scapegoat and no one’s right all the time so there are really no golden children out there it’s my hope that even if you came from a narcissistic family system even if you came from a complex narcissistic family system where you took on multiple roles or gadgets at giving multiple roles that you don’t in adulthood let that define who you are so as much as we try to make this implicit you could be the scapegoat you can be the golden child or you can be the invisible child it is understood that there are some family systems out there where some children are given multiple roles and I’m aware of that and if that is more clear of you understand that that might even be more hard more difficult than having just one of those roles but they don’t define you go out shed those labels be your whole self that difficult childhood was difficult but again using that rumi going back to that Rumi quote the wound is a place where the light enters you those childhood Hertz hurt but they can also really if you’re able to work with them and think about them places of tremendous empathy and compassion not only for yourself but for others thanks for listening I hope that clarifies that those of you who grew up in blended families so you have a place understand that your story could have been actually even more complicated thank you again please subscribe hit that Bell get more content tune in for our lives on Tuesday we look forward to bringing you more content

62 Comments

  1. Attilane Thelm says:

    Doc Ram is our modern age model of how a human being can transcend this society! 🔥

  2. Jennifer Gilmore says:

    Can't wait!!!!

  3. Pink Goddess says:

    Still not able to access English subtitles for most videos advertised with Spanish ones. Sorry to bang on about it but I find your context accessible and enlightening 😊

  4. Emily Jacobs says:

    Good morning! ☀️

  5. Conviction100 says:

    Hey Doctor I have a question. If Narcisst are BAD people in family, " What are appropriate family roles"????

  6. pocoeagle2 says:

    Can you please use the other microphone?

  7. Life is a Journey says:

    Narcissistic parents do not even have empathy for their own children. They only see them as supply as they see it as more important than properly raising them. The sad part is how it affects the children when they grow up and the narcissistic parents will even blame their own children for turning out that way.

  8. Erika K says:

    No matter what it is you're going through, don't ever forget that you are WORTHY, BEAUTIFUL, UNIQUE, SPECIAL.. and no one has the right to make you feel that you're not good enough.
    Sending love ♡

  9. The Coyote says:

    Thank you for bringing back the low cut tops 😍🙏🏻

  10. Erin Laemmle says:

    Yeah but something in society is causing narcissistic parents!

  11. musicalexistence1 says:

    Dr ramani, what about a part three where we get to learn more about leaving the toxic family unit and finally rejecting those roles they placed on us?

  12. I am who I am says:

    This actually makes a lot of sense of my family dynamic. And one of the main reasons I value stability and consistency.

  13. rgbsax says:

    fancy red microphone??!!

  14. Nancy Alexander-Carreira says:

    Thank you…..AGAIN…Dr. Ramami! You're the best!

  15. Eric The Red says:

    I'd really like to hear what you have to say about what scapegoat children face when they grow up. Specifically, does that role somehow follow them through life.

  16. Pshhh says:

    So what tips do you have when you are the parent who split from a narc trying to establish a healthy lifestyle for your children yet they are going back and forth. My kids are only 3 and 2 and when I get them back I can tell they are affected by the narc parent. Its heartbreaking to watch.

  17. Nancy Debosek says:

    Oh God, this one is for me. I was the only child left at home from my deceased mother. Step mom was/is a dark tetrad. I could write a book but no one would believe it.

  18. Isabelle Parise says:

    Many thanks for all your video your amazing.

  19. gr8H8er says:

    I’m sobbing! May be something like this? How about exactly my childhood? Except my grandparents were wonderful if not indulgent. "The worst thing that ever happened" to my mother "was childbirth." I believe she is a noble narcissist – widely acclaimed by friends and colleagues, pivotal in charity work, a good if not great dancer, leader, worker, etc, etc, etc. People envied me being her child. Yet when asked in therapy, "Wow! What is it like to be 'her' daughter?" All I could come up with was "nothing". I apologized, the time wasn't cheap, I was not there to be phony or dishonest. I apologized and said I was trying, but tap back as hard as I could, while I remembered being in awe of her, nothingness was the only thing I could feel.
    Obviously upset, the counselor patted my hand and said, "that's okay, maybe that is how it feels to be her daughter. No one can be perfect at EVERYTHING."

    Now I'm facing some turmoil and my adversaries included Mother. She of course sided with them, belittling and undermining 2 years of work toward a goal of providing service dogs to military veterans… My adversaries could be Charlie Manson or Jack the Ripper and she would side with them. She is jealous of my work with animals saying things like "Kelli always gets the best dogs" and "Dogs just like her better". I don't understand. How can she be such a great and caring friend, colleague, employee, church member, community organizer, champion for animals and only ever validate me on those few occasions when I did things exactly as she would have… WTF!

  20. Maurice Achach says:

    I am a bit mixed up. Dr. Ramani, you are advising the "survivor" of these complex situations: "Don't let these roles define you." What if the role(s) has/have already turned you into a narcissist? Conventional wisdom has it that a narcissist cannot change. The roles have already defined you–permanently!

  21. Tigerseye Tigerseye says:

    Loving the new book thank you, Dr Ramani, you are the ONE, great vid as all ways…😌

  22. Josee Noel says:

    Yuck, someone suggested that my family's prob was too much prior inbreeding! Sure that's what it is! Problems solved, thanks Sherlock!

  23. Gia Sharma says:

    And I'm dying every second because of that bastard I don't know when I'll get rid of him and his family! I don't even know if he is a narcissist or has borderline personality disorder but he is killing me giving me all the threats of sucide ! Giving me fears anxiety and sleepless nights and I don't know what to do can't even go to police Because here in my country police support those who has money and political connections these ppl are corrupts ! I don't know how can I come out from this hell ! Please help anyone if possible! We people were not even dating still treats me like an object and controls me as if he has bought me from somewhere and I'm his owned property! I tried contacting his family and his sisters put everything on me ! I feel I should commit sucide I feel it's way better than living with a bastard like him !!

  24. serenity6831 says:

    Hi Dr. Ramini! I love your series on narcissism, but I'm curious if it would be possible to bring an anxiety episode or two to your channel. I loved hearing your talks on anxiety on MedCircle but since they monetized the series I can't afford it at the moment.

  25. SheRisesFromSIDS says:

    Dr. Ramani you are on point!!!!!!+

  26. Jessica Little says:

    My husband is the golden child to his mom and the invisible child to his dad

  27. 3Mores says:

    I was the golden child for a while until I was discovered as being gay. Then, my mother stated that she thought that I was gay to punish her. It's all about them — all the time.

  28. Le Ha says:

    You seem to have missed that in a family where both parents appear to be Narcissistic. Where one parent is the overt and the other a covert. Those children in such a family are likely to be at the mercy of several of those roles, Being the "Golden Child" of one parent and the "Scapegoat" of the other. Or even all of them within moments, dependent on the parent's mental state and who is present that is not part of the family unit of the parents themselves and the children.

    I believe very much more likely in families where there is abuse between the parents, ie "Domestic Violence" etc..

    And the children are used as weapons within the Narcissistic parent's relationship, for them to score points off of each other.
    You'll find that if a child that is usually in a Scapegoat/Invisible roles for one or both parents, achieves something that over shadows the achievements of one of those parents.

    The other parent will use this against that parent by temperately rising the child to a "Golden Child" state.

    There is something else, semi off the present topic, But I think could do with a closer look.
    And that is how Narcissistic Abuse, both at the hands of Family and Lovers, can leave victims very vulnerable to Sexual Predators, Be they the "One Night Stand/Pick-Up Artist" or a "Pedophile" and the whole spectrum in between.

    As a direct result of the victims starvation of positive emotional support. Leaving them very vulnerable to "Love Bombing" and "Limelight Attention"

  29. nimbleneedle says:

    For the sake of the kids to come, we not only have to shed our labels, we must also make our partners aware if we see them wearing old labels or acting out old narcissistic scripts with the children. The best vengeance we have against what was done to us is to extinguish it within our sphere of influence, to delete it as much as possible from society, and raise well bounded, emotionally robust kids.

  30. Abi E says:

    Can you make a video about a narcissists piercing and wide open stare?

  31. MOCowboy55 says:

    Thank you Thank you Thank you. My adult life has been reactively acting out the multiple roles demanded of me to survive in my family of origin. One therapist I used the DID label at me after I explained the stages and events of my adult life, due to the extreme shift in my reactive behaviors in different social settings. The work we did in seeking balance was of great assistance during that period of recovery. Still vulnerable I did another 15 in "narc hell" when I became trauma bonded to another narc… still trying to forgive myself for not knowing what I could not know. Thank you for providing insights and information that we may all heal and grow.

  32. Wanda x says:

    Did you find it hard to be in a relationship-find one period because everytime you personally actually found some one you noticed he was from a toxic family? I noticed you dont wear a wedding band. Do you feel men would find it hard been with you because they think you are always judging them? My sister is a physiologist and stared at me and I asked her what's up and she replied oh I'm just trying to figure you out. I replied well you grew up with me (her been the golden child and me the escape goat) I'm surprised your needing to think at all as we grew up together. Her comment really pissed me off. She called me out of the blue one day several years ago and told me shes pregnant and I acted very happy for her, after all shes making me an aunty again. Then she told me dont write congratulations on my fb. Not sure why I'm excluded from her wall of happy chatter. I now feel she has the power to say well my sister having a rough time because I am and she only has one. When in reality I'm happy with one. Been pregnant really wasnt my thing.

  33. Ambrosia says:

    Thank you so much for this 🙏🏻

  34. Ambrosia says:

    My biggest question after watching your videos for a year is how do we tell the difference between the actual Narc & the victims? I’ve been involved in a few dynamics like these but so many of the points you make I know would be fodder for a Narc to turn back on their victims, saying “No, YOU’RE the one gaslighting ME, you’re the invalidated, you take everything I have & give nothing back”, etc. I want to be sure I’m on the right side in my family/friend dynamics, but how can I be sure? How can we be sure we’re not the narcs, ourselves, believing our own lies?

  35. hobo22 says:

    The roles change as the narcissistic parent sees better fit for manipulating , terrorizing, shift blame for shortcomings . The narcissistic parent creates an environment of confusion so they don’t get caught in their web of lies .

  36. Shri Pearlz says:

    Scapegoats or invisible child are very painful…it was like denied by your own people.

  37. Jane Doe says:

    The narc’s son is an only biological child. He was the golden child post split with the mother then when he remarried suddenly, he became the scapegoat and one of her children became the golden child. His child was once used to triangulate then was suddenly the one being triangulated with the “new siblings.”

  38. AHLmost says:

    I'm sorry I just have to point this out. It's no big deal. Please don't take it the wrong way. I love your videos and have been subscribed for some time.

    Why do you wear shirts that show so much cleavage?It's probably wrong but that's all I can see when I watch this video.

  39. midnightcoalexpress says:

    I’m the step parent in a blended family, and my husband was the codependent and his ex wife was the narcissist. Interestingly enough my stepdaughter was originally the scapegoat/invisible child for her mother. The mother even ended up putting the new step son she had before her own daughter, and she would constantly compare my step daughter to her older son who was the golden child. He was athletic and top his field of track, and went into business Administration like she did and did very well. Basically was everything the narcissistic mother always wanted to be and praised because he brought her so much good narcissistic supply. And my stepdaughter as never really been top at anything and never really put the effort into trying to be good at anything, she’s average. Which my husband and I don’t care about. We always tried to tell her it’s more about the relationships you cultivate, and happiness you make on your own than accolades, and material things since her mom is very materialistic and “keeping up with the Jones’s” type personality. But it devastated her for awhile. Her mother would call her fat (which she’s quite literally a bean pile) and say she needed to work out and lose weight. She would tell her she’s worthless and going no where in life, and again was always comparing. But now sadly the roles have reversed because the eldest son golden child has started standing up for a self, a bit! Not all the time, but he will speak up and she doesn’t like that. And they haven’t had as close of a relationship since a year ago her boyfriend threatened him and verbally cursed him out and berated him and she stayed with him and chose her boyfriend over her son, and daughter who he also made cry with the way he spoke to her. He is also very narcissistic, or at least that’s the sense I get from what the kids have said about him, and the things they’ve told us he’s said. Now my stepdaughter is the golden child, and I think because she never received much attention, or good attention from her mom she’s been taken right under her wing and it makes me so sad. She’s started to push my husband and I away, and is now believing everything her mother says, even though in the past she has caught her in so many lies and used to know you had to take everything she says with a grain salt because you never knew if it was true or not. And because the mom is now constantly buying her things, and always giving her what she wants (which she NEVER used to do, my husband and I went years with being the only ones to provide for her what she needed and wanted and always picking up the slack). Now my stepdaughter is becoming so much like her mother. Very materialistic, a liar, very manipulative, downright mean at some points, takes no responsibility for herself, has almost no empathy. It really saddens and hurts me because I was the one who was really there for her, during the emotional trauma her mother caused trying to build her back up and help her find her self identity again. And now she barely gives my husband and I the time of the day. And seeing how she is now, compared to even a year ago when she was starting to detach from her mother and become her own person, it just hurts and is so sad. I know there’s not really much we can do except still try and be the healthy parents and be there for her, but she’s hurt us so many times now that it’s hard. I just wish we could have the girl she was before her mother decided to make her the golden child back and it’s crazy to see how the children’s personalities can change depending on which role they are in

  40. Gilmourish Gilmourish says:

    I was invisible to my father. My mother was mentally ill..

  41. PHONOGRAPH says:

    >started watching you to learn how to cope with a gf with bpd
    >turns out i may have it also and it certainly explains alot ayyy lmao

  42. Totally Me says:

    Would really like to hear about codependence within a narcissistic relationship and how it may manifest on both the narc and the other person, especially in family/partner scenarios. Thanks for all your great information.

  43. Brianjt says:

    Dr. Ramani, you have no idea how much you've helped me. I'm wondering if you can do a video , while I understand you can't knock other professionals working as healers against narcissism, but I do notice that a lot of potentially unqualified workers on YouTube with messages like " how to get revenge on a narcissist", "how to play games with your narc"," how to piss them off". Like, i understand we want closure or we are angry, but encouraging people to engage further with their abuser, after they tell them to go no contact or grey rock, is such a mixed message, and maybe a reflection of their own transference and they are still healing themselves? like if the best revenge is happiness and successfully healing , then maybe they are being tongue in cheek, and our new happiness is enough closure we need. But, i've seen some videos where they are literally trying to encourage viewers to unveil or test them. Encouraging anger or manipulation from a coach or therapist is a little disturbing for me. I don't get any of that from you, which is why i'm curious of your insight on this. Big hug, thanks for all your wisdom.

  44. roman brandle says:

    I was both golden child and scapegoat , golden child in that I displayed more talent than my younger brother , so unrealistic hopes were pinned on me and I was never good enough . Scapegoat in that I was made responsible for my brother , and that meant collective punishment when he did wrong . The mantra of my parents was trust is good but control is better . They don't want you to freely unfold as an individual , they want to shape you in their image , if that doesn't work they'll break you down and start again , even if it robs you of your will to live .

  45. Andi Gonick says:

    Please do a show exploring the effects of family mobbing.Thank you for all you do.

  46. Vane P. says:

    Wow that really hit the nail! Thanks to you and other mental health YouTubers I'm being able to understand my family dynamic and therefor understand myself. This video just put a big piece into my puzzle. 🤯

  47. Jonny Weird says:

    I love how you approach the unapproachable! your videos are giving me a bunch of insight. I do have a question though. Can someone with narcissistic tendencies change? Someone very important to me has been realizing how narcissistic they really are. And how it can affect me. I have seen such an improvement between the two of us. But since i have bpd, i am scared and very intimidated by this. We have both talked about therapy for both of us [seperate therapy]. I guess i oniy see toxicity towards narcissism and i guess im just looking for hope for our relationship. We are happy, but we both struggle. But even after all the BS that we go through, we are still able to talk honestly to eachother. I want you to know that you have honestly helped me and have really given me the right kind of knowledge. Thank you!

  48. Mary North says:

    In my blended family, my husband was the narcissist, I was considered another "child"…the scapegoat. His daughter from his former wife was the golden child (he encouraged her to disrespect me). The narc persuaded everybody that I was the "bad one", he convinced them I was trying to break up his family. The truth was, I was catching hell from every side, no matter what I did.

  49. Marie Gabriel John 3:16 says:

    Thank you for such an informative video. Love all your video's. Wishing you a very Blessed and happy Thanksgiving day Dr. Ramani and everyone on this channel. God Bless you. 🍂🍁🍂

  50. Trendsetter 38 says:

    From infancy I was left with my childless uncle and aunt where I was the Golden Child. Until, at 13 yrs my parents took me back and my biological mother felt threatned by my popularity.Then I became the scapegoat. However, all I ever craved was her approval. Now in my forties and aware that mother was the narcissist who ruined our family life, instead of hate I pity her. All my other 3 siblings have given up but I still feel the need to take care of her. Why?

  51. Kariii K says:

    I lived in 3 unhealthy systems. My parents divorced. My moms world was selfish and immature. My dad's world was filled with codependency, alcoholism and physical abuse. Then there was my grandparents who stepped in as parents. Grandmother is a covert passive aggressive narc and my grandfather is a passive flying monkey. I'm 27 and I am still having a hard time with this.

  52. Nansi Cótica says:

    PLEASE PLEASE make more videos on complex family systems! I am a child of divorced and remarried parents. My biological parents both have BPD with narc and histrionic traits that each remarried narcissists. Add some narc grandparents on each side and ive always been at their mercy. Ive liften the veil; but its still very hard now in my young adulthood. I send my love and good vibes to you De.Ramani!!

  53. Cristina Viudez says:

    Admirable exposición. Gracias por ayudarme a ver algo que pese a salir, me ocupa el pensamiento, creo que demasiado tiempo en mi recuperación, es cierto…pero quisiera saber que esos dos enanos están bien y son felices.
    No son mis hijos ( de mi barriga ) pero fueron mis hijos en compañía y lucha, al menos, así los enseñé yo durante 4 años 😉

    La vida sigue un curso, y todo curso es un aprendizaje.
    Sé que ellos serán fuertes, espero que así lo sean y sepan tumbar esquemas limitantes tóxicos.

    Gracias<3

  54. Sherry Collins says:

    You should discuss how if you are dating a Narc divorced Father, sometimes the children become part of the outside world (flying monkeys) while the person dating the narc is the scapegoat and devalued.

  55. gnarf213 says:

    mmm sexy bouncing titties

  56. Jose Carreras says:

    You have such a beautiful well defined jawline.

  57. Kathy says:

    It's so good you are bringing that up. Many children have two different roles today because of all the divorces. When I was with my Mother and two Brothers, I was the little sister, and I was loved.
    When we went to my fathers house, I had a new little brother, and I was not loved by my father and his new wife. I had to accept he made a big difference between us 3, and my little brother.
    I could really have done without the experience of not being loved.

  58. Ahri says:

    Dr Ramani how does a narcissist behavior change as they get older? My narc parent (mother who was beauty queen and had beautiful daughters) is closing in on age 70 soon and man it's just getting more confusing and more toxic and I don't understand what's happening.

  59. Lozman says:

    In my family I was the scape goat. What ever I did was no good and what ever my brother did was wonderful. He was clever but my goodness I was punished mentally for not being as good. I was made to feel useless at most things. This has followed me all my life even now when I have retired. However your videos have switched a light on. I am finally aware of what was going, thank you so much.

  60. Cal EuXX says:

    Dr. Ramani, what you said about what children need and want…. that is an impossible and improbable achievement from a narcisistic parent or a parent who is needy (due to mental illness and in many respects due to physical illness).

  61. Jessica Alen says:

    The sad part is that narcissistic parents do not provide a good foundation of love, affection and healthy discipline. IF so, the child would definitely thrive and flourish to their full potential. Also, childhood abuse or bad experiences can traumatize that child for the rest of their lives. A lack of emotional support can only make things worst. It's a well- known fact: Every child needs a minimum of seven to ten hugs a day. The emotional disconnection can cause a child to feel unloved and unworthy.

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